Am Go Damhsa

"For everything there is a season, and a time every after under heaven..." Ecclesiastes is not a "feel good" book. You don't finish Solomon's Magnum Opus and go, "wow, that dude really had a good life." In fact, it's a terribly depressing and unhappy book, filled mostly with "vanity, vanity, all is vanity." But this one section, eight verses in chapter three, right in the middle of all that vanity, is this beautiful, poetic essay on life. Solomon's wisdom was the greatest in the earth, ever, before the birth of Christ. And when he went to describe this beautiful, thrilling roller-coaster ride God places us on, he described it like this:

"A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to seek, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time for love, and a time for hate; A time for war and a time for peace."

Wait...God has a time for killing? For casting away? For tearing? For HATE? How is this possible? We understand the God who has a time for dying, because it's a normal part of this life. We even understand how God could have a time for breaking down, weeping, mourning, and war. Of course, we expect that there would be times for birth, healing, building up, laughing, embracing, repair, love, and peace. And probably everyone except those few Baptists out there understand how God has a time to dance! But I, for one, had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that not only does God understand that we will struggle with hatred, breaking down, casting away, but that he expects, even ordains, times for those exact things. It's a normal progression of the dance we call life. How reassuring for someone in the time of hatred, of anger and fear, pain, mourning, weeping. To know that God sees, understands the pain, and is just waiting for it to be time to turn on the heavenly music and break into dancing the dance of joy! Because the format of these verses is designed to imply the inevitability of the cycle of life. It doesn't say, "sometimes you get to dance after you mourn, sometimes you laugh after you weep, sometimes you love after you've hated, but you just gotta work a little harder, be a little better, stronger, faster, and you might get there." No! It says, very simply, that there is already a time for all these things. If you're weeping, it's not yet time to laugh. If you're still mourning, your time to dance has not arrived. And if you still have hate, it's not yet time to love again. It's hard, God certainly knows it's hard, waiting for the time. But it is key.

Am Go Damhsa means "Time To Dance" in Gaelic, the ancient language of my ancestors. I know that, in God's timing, my am go damhsa will come. In God's time, the mourning will be over, the weeping will be done, the hate will be gone, and the music will start for the dance. But until then, there is nothing I can do to make it go faster. I can't force the music to play, and it's difficult to truly dance without music. Patience is as important to the dance as enthusiasm and joy in the movements. Live in the moment, even if the moment you happen to be living in is filled with the less pleasant aspects of life. They are still a part of this life, given us by our God, designed to be lived to the fullest. Experience the present and anticipate the dance!

Forgiveness?

"Forgiveness, like love, is a choice not an emotion." From everything I've read in scripture, every verse on love, every reference to trespasses and hurts, this statement is true. Love is a choice, and so is forgiveness. You can choose to forgive, choose to love past hurts and fear and pain and heartbreak. But what about those of us in the trenches of Christian life, just trying to be like Jesus day by day, shine the light and glorify the Savior? What about the ones who have been broken and despite crying out for healing, now have open, festering wounds that ache with bitterness? What about them? What about us? Having been wounded, having been hurt and having experienced all the anger, pain, bitterness, rage, blame, shame, fear, and various other unpleasant and ungodly emotions, this is a huge struggle for me right now. Because time and time again, I have bent my will into submission to the Savior's example, his command, and said "I CHOOSE to forgive you." I have even felt forgiveness, a time or two, and thought, "finally, finally, I'm free" and would revel in that freedom for a few days, even a couple weeks. Then "the pain came back again, like a bitter friend" and I wasn't able to keep myself from blaming. I experience again the deep betrayal and pain, and find myself bitter and separated from God again. I cry out, and hear nothing. Ask, beg, plead for strength, power to forgive and let go, and find none. I'm tired of this cycle, and can't find the solution. I've thought, "maybe if I just tell him I forgive him, it'll make it so," but it seems so dishonest. My will can't override my emotions, and heaven is silent. So I will ask, seek, knock, and maybe eventually, an answer will come from the throne.