Forgiveness?

"Forgiveness, like love, is a choice not an emotion." From everything I've read in scripture, every verse on love, every reference to trespasses and hurts, this statement is true. Love is a choice, and so is forgiveness. You can choose to forgive, choose to love past hurts and fear and pain and heartbreak. But what about those of us in the trenches of Christian life, just trying to be like Jesus day by day, shine the light and glorify the Savior? What about the ones who have been broken and despite crying out for healing, now have open, festering wounds that ache with bitterness? What about them? What about us? Having been wounded, having been hurt and having experienced all the anger, pain, bitterness, rage, blame, shame, fear, and various other unpleasant and ungodly emotions, this is a huge struggle for me right now. Because time and time again, I have bent my will into submission to the Savior's example, his command, and said "I CHOOSE to forgive you." I have even felt forgiveness, a time or two, and thought, "finally, finally, I'm free" and would revel in that freedom for a few days, even a couple weeks. Then "the pain came back again, like a bitter friend" and I wasn't able to keep myself from blaming. I experience again the deep betrayal and pain, and find myself bitter and separated from God again. I cry out, and hear nothing. Ask, beg, plead for strength, power to forgive and let go, and find none. I'm tired of this cycle, and can't find the solution. I've thought, "maybe if I just tell him I forgive him, it'll make it so," but it seems so dishonest. My will can't override my emotions, and heaven is silent. So I will ask, seek, knock, and maybe eventually, an answer will come from the throne.

Hurt and Healing Part 4

It seems from the Psalms that questioning God's purpose for our pain is okay, as long as the process does not involve questioning God's ultimate sovereignty in our lives. God freed me recently from the idea that I had to always "be okay." People asked me hourly in those first three weeks or so after my most recent heartbreak, "how are you?" My impulse, "Good Christian" answer was always, "fine!" In reality, my heart was shattered, I was questioning everything, and it felt as though my world were imploding and I was helpless to do a single thing to stop it. About mid-way through the second week, God showed me that it is okay to NOT be okay.

The current trend in Christianity is to put on the mask of attitudinal happiness to cover the spirit of depression. We smile and nod in church despite the divorce, miscarriage, break-up, spousal abuse, depression, bitterness, family conflict, and self-mutilation we experience on a daily basis. We have this farce of Christianity in which no matter the reality, in our little "religious world," everything is happy, healthy, and under control. In contrast, the scriptural truth is that God gives us a "garment of praise instead of a faint spirit" (Isaiah 61:3). It is the choice of praise that changes our spirits from faint to fearless. The Father did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control, a spirit of adoption as sons. This is what allows us to cry, Abba, Father (1 Tim 1:7, Rom 8:15). These masks of a good attitude do not change what lies beneath...the pain, anger, hurt, bitterness, rejection of the forgiveness of Christ (for how can we accept forgiveness if we do not forgive?) that molds our hearts into hard shells of what God meant for us to be. He wanted us to be broken, not brittle. He intended us to be transparent with one another, not guarded and false to our fellow believers.

One thing He has taught me...drop the mask. Stop acting as though all is fine when you're going through a trial, or testing of your faith. Yes, we are to count it all joy when we fall into diverse temptations (James 1). But JOY and HAPPINESS are two very different animals. Joy is the result of trusting entirely on Christ's sovereignty and goodness in your life, no matter your emotional state, because ultimately He is all that is worth relying upon anyway. Happiness IS an emotional state, just like anger, sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear. These emotions seem to be taboo to believers today, but I'm not sure where that came from. In the life of Christ, I see these emotions. He was angry with the money changers and the Pharisees. He was sad and disappointed when His disciples failed Him or people chose to reject Him. He was hurt and afraid when He begged the Father to let the cup of His sacrificial death pass from Him. Yet He was sinless. He suffered as we do...but sinned not.

There must be a way for us to be the emotional human creatures that God created us to be. There must be a purpose for that facet of our humanity. If Christ experienced all these things, shouldn't we? I say yes. So look at Christ's response to suffering. His reaction to emotion was not to ignore or refuse it. His reaction was to teach and learn through it. He demonstrated his disappointment to the disciples when they fell asleep on Him in order to show them a better way. He surrendered to the Father's will after His earnest pleas for another plan. He whole-heartedly, unashamedly wanted the Father's will on earth. He always submitted to the plan for His life. No matter the suffering. No matter the rejection, the inequality, the persecution, the lack, the hunger, the ridicule. He was always joyful in His life...and death. Yes, He agonized for the physical pain on the cross. But in His final breath, He committed His Spirit into the Father's hands...because He knew that the Father was worthy of the obedience. That the love was worthy of the sacrifice.

So feel. Stop faking happiness and feel the reality of what God is doing in your life at the moment. Take off the mask. If you're hurting...tell someone. If you feel like crying...cry. If you're angry...give that person over to God and forgive their trespass against you. If you're afraid, acknowledge and confess the fear...and then give it and your will to God. Constantly pray "not my will but Thine" just as Christ Himself did in the Garden of Gethsemane. Show the Father that no matter what He requires of you or how much GENUINE PAIN He puts you through, you know that His plan, His GLORY, is worth it. That you are surrendered to His will. Honesty in Pain...Surrender in Joy.