Hurt and Healing Part 3

We left our study with the question, "What is the Godly reaction to suffering?"

For the answer to this question, I turned to the Psalms. King David was a deeply emotional man, as evidenced in his Psalms. The songs written after he confessed his sin with Bathsheeba are beautifully crafted, starkly honest declarations of his depravity and God's grace. The Psalms are full of honest, broken-hearted, depressed, pain-laden crying out to God. Passages like Psalm 6:2-4, "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" and Psalm 55:4-8, 23, "My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, "Oh that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and stay in the desert. I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you" show deep emotional disturbance. This is not a "sunshine and puppy dogs" attitude toward the Christian life. This is gut-wrenching honesty. One of my favorites, Psalm 31:9-16, describes my personal experiences in the physical results of sheer anguish. "Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak."

Is the author of these Psalms doing the modern Christian "chin up old fellow, it'll all work out and be fabulous in the end" routine? Is he putting on the "church mask" where all is peaches and cream, just fine? No fighting, no anger, no frustration, no hurt? No! He is crying out, as a child does to his Father, telling Him how painful this existence can be. He is being HONEST with the God who knows and sees. He is demonstrating the simple truth that an omniscient God already KNOWS what you feel, think, experience. Lying to Him is only lying to yourself. Unless you admit and acknowledge the pain, you cannot begin to understand its purpose. Please do not fool yourself. Because you are certainly not fooling your Creator.

I prayed about sharing this publicly. However, after looking at the Psalms and David's transparency, I cannot hide behind glass walls. So here are some bits of honesty with God. Please understand that none of this was written with anyone else in mind. They are just honest cries to God, as I journaled during the first few weeks of pain. I definitely suggest journaling prayers. It has been priceless for me to go back and read over my early writing, and to see how quickly God answered those prayers, revealing Himself quickly in those weeks. I am trusting that He is requiring me to expose myself for a reason, and pray that He uses my words to touch someone's broken heart.

"I wish I just knew what You were doing. I wish there was a road map right here in front of me letting me know where You were taking me next. But I know You don't work like that. So I'll keep doing what You've given me to do until You give me something else. I'm so tired, God. My heart feels torn up and bruised, my emotions confused. My mind knows it's gone, but my crazy heart randomly remembers things...I feel like a child...as if I could just run away and forget the heartache. But it doesn't work like that. It's not enough."

"I want the pain to ease, even a little...I'm afraid of depression, and I feel it snapping at my heels like a rabid wolf. I try to just shut off emotion to kill the pain, but then I can't feels you, and can't serve you. So I ache. And sometimes I scream inside...I need you to comfort my pain, to hold me in your arms like a child and stroke the hurt away. But I know you have a purpose, even in this...But I think I know that you won't take this pain away, not yet. You're teaching me something important, something vital. Please, Lord, speed my comprehension! The pain is vicious."

"Rejoice always, even when life shoots you in the chest in the name of ministry? Even when everything crumbles? Ok. I will choose to rejoice, because any other option is unthinkable. You are all I have to hold onto. Maybe that's the reason for this. Maybe understanding that you are sufficient. Father, I begged you not to test me. But now that you choose to, I pray for the strength to remain true. I love you, Lord. Let that be enough."

"The cost of growing closer to you is very dear. You are worth so much more, but my weak humanity cries out at the pain of the sacrifice. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

"You have given me new life, Lord. You have given me a bright morning for the pain of night. You give me a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. You have saved all my tears and now they sit sparkling in a jar, a testament to your love and overwhelming grace. How great are you and greatly to be praised!"

"Will you really ask me to put my heart on the line again? Lord, the very thought makes me want to throw up. I can say it's too painful...I've been hurt enough...I just want to be safe. But then I look at your example. You reach out, millions of times a day and over and over again, get rejected. You repeatedly are betrayed by those you should be worship

ed by. Yet you never choose to hide. You never say, "it's too much pain."

"I love you, Lord. I praise you for the storm, not simply in the storm. You are my hiding place, and my heart is healed."

Well I believe that's enough honesty. I'll continue the study of Scripture later. For now, I need rest.